Monday, May 12, 2008

Loo and the Baptismal

Many years ago, on the Sagewood forum I would occasionly post of the comedy's about farm life, and my life in general. Going back into some of the old posts, I came upon one such story, that was just too good to delete. So, I bring it here for you to enjoy.
Some notes of interest. This story was written many moons ago, late fall of last year or the year before, and all the 'puns' are very very intended. Pay attention to the word use.
And so the story begins:
((shyly stepping up to the storytellers podium)) "Ahem, Its been a while since Ive entertained you with a story from the Sagewood Farm Comedy hour, but Ill do my best to relay exactly what happened over the last few weeks with the pinnacle of the event, being..hmm shall we say, baptismal!
Over the course of the last 2 weeks, it had come to my attention that we had a visitor., Fifel the mouse or at least Fifels country cousin, LOO. (good old British name there!)
Loo, was a male, Im sure of it, as there would be no way a women would ever find herself in such a crappy situation if her life depended on it, and unfortunately, Loos did.

Let me rewind a bit, and make you privy to the history of the situation.

Abouts two weeks ago, I stroll into the kitchen..(Stroll?? Who am I kidding!) I stumbled near blind and half asleep into the kitchen searching for the handle on the coffee pot.
I turned on no lights, as I always leave the light over my stove on, so there was more than enough light for me to see the kitchen, at least in subdued darkness.
My eyes scanned the room nonchalantly as I begin to make the coffee. As I glance toward the stove I notice, theres something on the counter, near the butter. I cant make it out its very small, but I know its not supposed to be there. Im still half asleep, I squint my eyes, rub them for a moment to look again. Sure enough, there are two mouse uhm droppings on my counter, right next to the butter. My vision goes to the butter. ACK!, there were nibbles gone from the corners of the butter! Oh my!! We have a mouse in the house!
I look around again to see where those worthless cats are and then remember, they are outside, supposedly catching mice! Well they certainly missed ONE!
That night, hubby skillfully baits and sets the trap (we'll call it Jaws) and we hide it under the stove drawer, in the back, right near the wall, just where a butter thieving mouse would find it!

I have a habit of naming things about the house, so this little mouse we'll call her Oleo, just for the fun of it! (Oleo...margarine or butter substitute)
Oleo met her end that night, the peanut butter too much of temptation. The Jaws of death clamped around her at approximately 2:50 in the morning. I know this, I heard the whole event! What a way to start the day huh?
Oleo was given a grand send off with the sunrise and went to that big cheese in the sky. Problem solved, butter saved.
Little did we know that Oleo had a brother.
A few days after Oleos demise, I noticed the nibbled fruit in the guest bathroom . Yep, you read that right, fruit in the bathroom. A fruit tart to be exact. Not an edible one of course, this pie had a wick. It was a small candle in the shape of a pie tart and someone had stolen many nibbles! THE KNAVE!
I wondered briefly if Oleo had done this and I had just not noticed, or if this was a new visitor to the house. After a bit of investigation and a few days time, I realize, this was a new visitor, we'll call him Loo.
I sat the cats down and had a stern talking to them, and of course like all cats, thy considered me a nuisance to their prime nap time. (in cat time, this is sunbeam thirty)
Seeing that the Cats were going to be no help, I reminded myself right then to set Jaws that night, but in my overworked mind, Jaws was forgotten, for two days. On the morning of day three however, I got to meet Loo, almost cheek to cheek.
Having two bathrooms is a great thing, especially first thing in the morning. With the master bathroom being occupied I trot across the house to the guest bathroom. The toilet lid was closed so I reached down and open it up ready to take a seat on the throne but to my dismay, I notice something IN the toilet.
Now, in that split second glance before my cheeks hit the seat, I thought, someone didn't flush the toilet last night. How gross! But even with just a slight glimpse in the toilet there were things that registered in my mind that something was strange about this whatever in the toilet,... it just wasn't right, so all movement of cheek to seat stopped, and I paused for a second look.
First, in the water, were little black things, bout the size of a lentil. Then the THING looked.. well, different, not like your average "leavings" ya know. This "leaving" appeard to be all spikey wet, humped up..and HAIRY! And ohmygawd, it's got a tail!
And thats when it happened. The thing in the toilet looked up at me as if to say "HEY!! Im BUSY in here!" and he was.
He looked a little tired, a little stuck, and a lot wet, as if hed just taken a few laps for his morning exercise! Here is this mouse, hanging out IN the toilet, up on the edge like it's a spa!
I remind you, this is all registering to the brain in about 3 seconds. I was proud of my brain this morning..really I was. Did I scream? No, I slammed the lid shut. Another mili-second goes by but oh the things that can go through your mind in that time. First you think WTH? then you think WTH do you do! And I swear to you, even though your eyes have seen it, you will WANT to look again JUST TO MAKE SURE cuz you can't believe you just saw a mouse in your toilet sitting on the side finishing up from his back stroke!.. I held back the urge to peek.
The sleepy brain and body kicked into gear and a voice roared in my ear.. FLUSH! I quickly reach over and WHOOSH!. I waited and just for good measure, flushed it again, baptising him! I figured I'd gave him one last redeeming dunk before he went to meet the big provolone in the sky ya know!
Im not sure the thoughts that may have run through Loos mind, but, this water park was closed for the season! And he just took the last ride!
Did I open the toilet and peek? Nope..this is the point where I turned into a girl, and let hubby do that. (Just in case Loo was still clinging to the sides of Niagra Falls!) So there ya go, Loo and the Baptismal. This just goes to show you, that not all things in the toilet of life are pieces of crap.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

OMG You are so funny! I have had some adventures with mice that were right cute but not like your's. I do however have a BAT story that was hillarious!!

Poor LOO!!