Thursday, September 4, 2008

I'm back!

Sort of!

For the past many weeks, I've been in the mud. Now if you know what 'in the mud' means, then you know where I've been, if you don't know what it means, let me give you a brief description......

It's called..Depression. I won't say true depression, but having dealt with a recent 'life changing event' it has sent not just me but my entire family into a tailspin. We've recently had to deal the the untimely tragic murder of one of our own. A man no one will ever forget and everyone loved and greatly adored. The damage has been done, and none can bring him back, all we can do now is move on, so today I begin to drag myself out of the mire of it all. I'm at least up to my knees out of the mud instead of nearly drowning in it.

Each of us show, share, dispense and deal with grief in our own way and sometimes, it's the hard way. When death comes knocking, many times we just simply wish to not open the door, but he always finds a way in. How we deal with it afterwards is sometimes difficult at best. There are no time frames for dealing with sorrow, only a walking through. Some of us are over it quickly, others walk a mile or more in it. It can be a dark and dismal path that we trudge but eventually the light starts to break through and the path becomes more clear and leads a way out. Sometimes the path will cloud over again, and we stumble along the way. Many of us do I'm sure.

I'm stumbling now, and it's still a long road to travel for me.

Dealing with things such as this will make one reflect on who we are, why we are here and when our own end will come. Add all those thoughts to the already loaded brain and it becomes a horrible mess in there that you eventually have to sort out and deal with, one thought at a time.

So here I am, back in line at the Hedgewives safe zone to deal with those thoughts, one at a time. To try not to see the world for the horrible place that it CAN be, and instead to see it for all the beauty it IT IS. To remember with love, the memories that I have and can grasp to each and every day instead of replacing them with the emptiness that has taken over.

I'll always remember with great joy, just a mere week before his death, the phone call I made to him, "Dennis, the figs are ready" and his excited reply of "I'll be right over".. and ten minutes later, together we picked and ate figs, laughing and joking with each other.
Oh the many times we walked this yard, are now the many memories I have as today I walk it alone. To let that memory walk beside me as Dennis walked beside me many times to look at the garden, to take joy in the figs, to marvel at the flowers. He'll still walk with me, I'll never walk it alone.

And I'll take another step out of the mud.

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